I Confess...I Forgive

Note: My counselor suggested I write a letter to God, forgiving those whom I perceive to have wronged me.

Dear God,

I must first of all confess that I have no right to talk to you. I have opposed you to your face my whole life, you, who gave me life and breath and everything. I understand why your Word says on man's behalf, "I am a worm and not a man!" 

You see, I am a wicked, rebellious sinner. And I know it. If you say, "Up," my heart longs to go down. If you say, "Left," I'll convince myself that right is clearly the best way to go.

And yet you are the one who formed the heavens and the earth. You are the one who created light from darkness, who made such a diversity of creatures, and whose wisdom confounds the sharpest of scientists and philosophers throughout history.

And you sent your Son to die for my sins that I might yet be redeemed despite my foolishness and live forever.

And still my heart wanders. It is not as if I am not grateful for all you have given me: my life, both in this world and the one to come - and the world in which I dwell - and at such tremendous cost to yourself. I am grateful.

But I am not ONLY grateful. I am also heartless and cruel and selfish and pitiless and merciless and petty. I often live to seek my own glory rather than yours.

Yes I worship you - but I have other gods as well. I worship myself. I worship my stomach. I live for pleasure. I squander the talents you have given me, burying them in the ground. I have asked for my inheritance early and squandered it on the pleasures of sin.

And I have been bitter towards you. I walked away from the ministry voluntarily in obedience to your clear command spoken through the guiding hand of your providence. You backed me into a corner where I had no choice but to let it go for the good of my family, and I relented and obeyed your command to care for my family first and foremost.

And I confess that I felt like I had gouged out my own eyes. I confess that I blamed you for my pain. I confess that I feel like you have abandoned me and withdrawn from me.

And I confess that I feel justified in feeling this way. When I would preach the Word, I had an intimacy with your Word that it seems I cannot experience any other way. Sure, it's one thing to study the Word in depth, but quite another when there is the pressure of the need to write a sermon for this Sunday that accompanies it. That pressure produces a need to delve into the text, it produces a motivation and a purpose.

And I confess the truth: I miss you. I miss your Word. I miss preaching. And I confess that it's at least in part because I don't feel like my life is quite as important as it could have been had I preached your Word.

And I confess that since I have missed you and missed your Word, and missed the pressure that comes from having to preach, and miss the purpose in studying your Word - I confess that I have blamed you for withdrawing from me, and so I have withdrawn from you.

I confess I have abandoned your Word and abandoned prayer. I confess that these have become loathsome to me. I confess that my heart has become cold and bitter, black and shriveled. 

I confess that I tolerate life and have ceased to really live it.

And I confess I have abandoned hope in Christ by wondering if I have failed to measure up to some standard of behavior, so that perhaps I brought this upon myself. Perhaps my WORKS were insufficient to EARN your favor and so become a minister.

I confess that I have forgotten that even my BEST works, indeed, the best works of any man who now has the privilege of preaching in the pulpit, are but filthy rags. They are soiled diapers. My best works are as the vomit encrusted clothes of a homeless man who has died of alcohol poisoning. They do not cover my shame. They do not make me radiant.

I confess: you alone are holy. The only man who ever truly did good was your Son, Jesus Christ.

I confess I have no hope in myself but in Christ alone. I confess I could not have failed to earn the right to become a minister, because no man has ever earned that right. For, as your Word declares, even Jesus did not appoint himself to his office, for your Word to him that echoes of all eternity was captured by the psalmist who says that you once said to him, "You are a priest forever, after the order of Melchizadek." No man can ever be worthy to preach your Word, no man can ever appoint himself to the task. It is never a matter of justice, but only a matter of your appointment.

I confess that you have appointed me to bring you glory however you see fit, and I will obey as you empower me to do so, whether I know what I am doing or not. May Jesus' words also cover me: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." I confess I have no idea what I am doing or why I am doing it. These things are known to you alone.

Please grant me the wisdom that leads to being at peace. Please restore me to a love of your Word and of prayer. Grant me the grace to forgive others, even as you have forgiven me.

Whatever the truth of the matter is, I cannot say, only you know, but I forgive those who have, in my eyes, mistreated me unjustly without cause.

Your Word says that there are shepherds who do not feed, heal, care for the flock, your flock, your people, your church. You say that they feed only themselves. You have said that they do not bind the wounds of the sheep. They do not chase away the wolves. They eat the sheep! They clothe themselves in their wool.

I know from my experiences that your Word is true, because I have met just such a wicked shepherd. I was his intern. He was my pastor.

When I should have been especially under his wing, he rejected me. He did not pray with me regularly. He made me feel unwelcome and burdensome in his presence. He wasn't even there the first several times I preached in his church, and was alarmed and overreacted when the elders took issue with a sermon I preached that was too long. It WAS too long, and I feel awful about it and embarrassed to this day. He was right to tell me to never do that again, but it was my fourth sermon there, and the other three were of appropriate length, and I explained that I was trying to learn how to preach from an outline rather than a manuscript. I messed up bad. But he would never forgive me and labeled me useless and stupid and completely incompetent from then on, and there was simply no overcoming it.

He humiliated me privately by telling me, after listening to a RECORDING of that ONE sermon that he was pretty sure I wasn't cut out for the ministry.

He humiliated me further by demanding that I submit every sermon outline, Sunday school plan or youth group lesson to him by Thursday night in advance of Sunday so that he could look over it and make sure it was up to snuff.

He humiliated me further by regularly, week in and week out, offering up extremely rude and blunt criticism laced with accusations of everything I had written and said it all via email.

And though I had determined, right from the very start of this, to NEVER argue with him, to NEVER defend myself, but to be like Jesus, silent before his accusers, like a lamb to the slaughter. I demanded it of myself and I obeyed. Rather than respond in kind to his emails, I would simply make the changes he requested and send the materials back to him by the end of the day Friday or Saturday morning, so that he could take one last crack at it before Sunday - which he often did, subjecting me to yet more criticism and accusations.

And the humiliation was also public. Not content with making me feel stupid every week via email, he always also found ways to criticize my Sunday School lessons DURING Sunday school, and taught the church, especially the elders, to do the same. He also led the elders and consequently the whole church in criticizing my sermons every Sunday night during the ill-advised question and answer period that closed out the evening service.

Every meeting of the board of elders was another opportunity for him to criticize and humiliate me with an audience. Every Sunday was an opportunity to criticize me in front of the whole church.

The pastor and elders all should have known better than to think that anyone, as soon as their sermon was preached, would immediately be persuaded in a few sentences to disavow expressions and thoughts they'd carefully crafted over the course of a week in conversation with the text, something they'd been trained to do in four ridiculously difficult years in seminary. And they thought that they would change my mind with one or two sentences, carelessly thrown out after thinking about the passage for all of about 25 minutes. The truth is fairly obvious: the assumed I would simply bow to their obviously superior intellect and wisdom.

I succumbed to the temptation to defend what I had said ONCE. One time. I had been there several months at this point and was sick and tired of getting the proverbial rotten tomatoes thrown at me every single week, and had anticipated what they were going to say. And when they, predictably, said exactly what I knew they were going to say, I said that I had thought about it that week, hoping that that might at last gain me some modicum of respect in their eyes. But no such luck. It got really ugly, really fast. It was like trying to talk to a brick wall. Though I remained respectful, I wasn't about to concede that my entire sermon was based on an incorrect understanding of the passage (because it wasn't), and after diverting the conversation to someone else's question (which was inevitably not a question but yet another thinly disguised statement of the intern's incompetence to say anything about what the Bible says), we all moved on. Or so I thought.

From that ONE anecdotal piece of evidence, now every time the elders evaluated me formally as part of my internship, I was labeled "unteachable", and this was the only evidence cited - even almost a year later at the end of my internship. And at that time, the pastor even admitted that this was the only time there'd been even a hint at me being unteachable, and admitted that there was actually a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Nonetheless, I was labeled as unteachable.

And why? Because this group of men who had somehow become leaders in the church - these shepherds who fed only themselves, especially their own egos - had determined at the very outset of my internship that they were going to keep me out of the ministry and had been on a quest ever since to find reasons to justify it.

My unpardonable crimes were these, as I later realized: 1) a sermon very early in my internship that was too long (it was too long, but my sermons after that were always right at 25 minutes with no more than 2-3 minutes variance either way). 2) A "strong distinction between the law and the gospel". That's in quotation marks because it's a quote. The pastor, after my internship ended, admitted that my making such a strong distinction between these two made him very uncomfortable. He never mentioned it a second time, but there was NO gospel whatsoever in his preaching. NONE. At that was how he treated me too. No kindness, no mercy, no grace, no love. Just constant criticism, accusations and reminders that I just don't measure up. 3) I was a committed reformed/presbyterian who thought the Bible actually teaches what our confession says it does. I was "too sure of myself", which the pastor interpreted as arrogance, and demanded everyone else agree with him. Apparently I was supposed to have no idea what I was talking about after four years of seminary and was supposed to teach that the Bible says whatever anyone thinks it says, and that I had no actual right to interpret it.

And the whole internship came to a head almost 6 months after it was over, when he came banging on my door the day after Thanksgiving (3 years ago yesterday), demanding to know why I hadn't come to his office to defend last Sunday night's sermon as we had agreed last Sunday night.

And the horrible thing I had suggested in my sermon? The scandal that had him so outrageously upset?

It was that I had dared to suggest, as I preached out of Romans 4, that when Paul insists that Abraham was NOT justified by works, he felt it necessary to say so because there were Jews at the time who actually DID think he was justified by works.

The pastor vigorously challenged this in front of the entire congregation (because he was sure that no one wanted to go home, but would rather sit and listen to some obscure academic debate), and when I said that I had read such a view of the passage in Cranfield (a VERY credible and legitimate commentary on Romans which I liked so much I asked for it as a birthday present one year), he suddenly dropped the debate and allowed the conversation to proceed.

Of course, after the congregation was dismissed, he made a beeline for me and, after claiming that he didn't want to "gainsay" me in public, he demanded to know where Cranfield had said such and such and how he had come to that conclusion. I said that he quoted several - SEVERAL - ancient sources, and that he could see it for himself if he wanted. He demanded I bring the commentary to him that week in his office and show him. He said he found it outrageous that I could say such a thing in like of Sanders' scholarship on second temple Judaism. That's when I remembered his discomfort with a strong distinction between law and gospel, and realized this was a conversation I didn't want to have.

So I delayed. I didn't go to his office. That Thursday was Thanksgiving. And I didn't answer my phone. I figured I'd drag it out till Sunday and just hand it to him and walk away. 

But he came to my apartment and demanded to know why I hadn't come by, and why I hadn't returned his calls. And I finally told him. I told him he'd done nothing but criticize me, and that his desire not to gainsay me in public was ridiculous because he'd been doing that with astonishing regularity since the very first time he'd heard me preach, now a year and a half ago. And I told him he'd led the elders and congregation to follow him in this, so that whenever I stood before anyone in that church I felt like I was in the middle of a feeding frenzy. I told him he'd bred a culture of contentiousness in that congregation, and that it was all bent toward constantly criticizing me. And I said I silently took it all and did NOT defend myself, with one, really quite small exception, and that nevertheless, he and the elders had unjustly labeled me as unteachable, even though I changed EVERY sermon I ever wrote in that church in response to his criticism even before I preached it, and did my best to incorporate the mountain of criticism I received in response to my sermons or teaching whenever it occurred. I said it was as if he and the elders were listening to me only for the purpose of finding something to criticize.

I said that though I stood on the floor of the regional governing body of the church and when asked what my biggest weakness was said, "Humility - as soon as I start to show some small signs of humility, I take pride in how humble I am" - even though I stood before those who held my future in their hands, I nevertheless admitted this weakness - and yet I was still labeled as arrogant by him and the elders.

And when I had said this and much more, especially about him preaching through the book I had preached through as an intern - I couldn't BELIEVE the audacity of this man - he admitted to all (though he claimed his preaching through that book had nothing to do with my having preached it, which means either he was lying or the biggest moron in the history of the world, which I knew was not true) and said he was ashamed of himself. He admitted that he had seen me as a threat from day one and was determined to squash me. When I took it all in silence and did not defend myself, he said he interpreted that as defiance and redoubled his efforts to squash me. And when I continued to silently acquiesce to his slightest whim about my sermons or anything else, he grew more and more frustrated that I didn't argue back. He said this. And he prayed (only the second or third time he had ever done so with me) and confessed to you that he was ashamed of himself for what he had done.

He wanted me to be like him. He wanted me to be contentious like him. He wanted me to be sharp tongued and blunt in front of people like him. He wanted me to be a shepherd that feeds on the flock and teaches them to be wolves. And when it became clear that that was never going to be who I am, he decided to punish me for it.

Lord, I confess that in my eyes he is indistinguishable from Cain. 

This man maliciously destroyed my reputation. He crushed my career before it ever began. He stomped on my heart. He drove a wedge between me and the church. He isolated me from the fellowship of the saints. He threatened my well being, and much more importantly, the well being of my family. He was determined to be an obstacle between me and the ministry and was resolute that he would never recommend me for the office of minister.

And I know this because just before I left that miserable place, I made him admit it. He admitted that were any potential church to call him and ask about me, he'd say, "He's not ready." This is just a cop out, and I told him so. He didn't deny it. The truth was, he still felt threatened by me and remained determined to crush me to the extent it was in his power. He declined to say whether anyone had called him to ask the question or not. I suspect they had, and I never heard about it because he told them I wasn't ready and then was too ashamed to tell me what he had done because he knew it was unjust.

But Father, your Word says, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors."

First and foremost, I need your forgiveness. You have forgiven me 10 thousand talents of gold - an incredible sum worth Billions in today's money. It's such a huge debt that I could never have paid it to you. And really, Billions doesn't even capture it. If I had a Billion dollars, it wouldn't even begin to pay for the debt that I owed you because of my sin.

The only thing that COULD pay the debt for my sin would be eternal Death in hell forever. And even that would never be enough, which is why I deserve to die forever and ever with no one to rescue.

But you DID rescue me. You sent your only Son, who is himself God, who gave up his glorious throne to take on flesh and walk around among us sinners in the stench of our sin...and we killed him in a jealous rage - perhaps hoping to deny him the eternal life we felt we deserved despite our sin which we know makes us worthy only of death. We are foolish and irrational in our efforts to cling to our sins and justify ourselves despite them. We oppose you to your face. I oppose you to your face. And yet you gave up everything to redeem me, though you have to drag me, kicking and screaming toward what's in my own best interests.

You have forgiven me my debt by PAYING my debt for me.

How could I then turn around and demand that this man repay me for what he has done to me and what he has robbed me of?

He couldn't have prevented me from being a minister if that's what you had wanted. He's no match for you. And I deliberately chose not to defend myself. I chose to just go away quietly. I voluntarily walked away from the ministry because it seemed to me very clear that that's what you were asking of me - and wasn't I willing to do so?

Can't I look back on my experiences and know that I learned something from them? It may be that I don't understand all that I learned or its true significance. I don't know the future you have planned for me in this life or how you will be glorified in it.

But I do know that you were pleased to shape me to more closely resemble Christ through suffering. And that suffering was VERY public. Many people saw it with their own eyes and saw that I took it all in stride. Whatever I may feel about that internship or whatever anyone else may say, one thing is for certain: you were pleased to give me an opportunity to bear witness on your behalf - which is exactly what I had set out to do when I went to seminary.

Thank you for teaching me wisdom through suffering. Thank you for bringing me to that church where I suffered so many things for your glory. Thank you for granting me the grace to believe in all you have done for me, to believe in the promises of your Word, and to trust that you know what you're doing. Someday what happened to me will be made more widely know in the age to come, and YOU, not me, will be glorified exactly how you have determined to be glorified.

And so I forgive this man who did all these things to me and sought to overthrow your purposes for my life. His efforts served just the opposite. He sought to silence my testimony, but instead he handed me a megaphone and enhanced my testimony. He gave me an opportunity to "put my money where my mouth is". He gave me an opportunity to show that I really do, deep down, want only to serve you however you want me to (even if I also have competing sinful, fleshly desires).

It is not for me to say whether or not he is in Christ. That's your job. You're God and I'm not. You are the ONLY judge.

If he is in Christ, then there is no debt for him to pay to me, because Christ has paid it for him already. How could I DARE to demand any further payment if Christ has shed his blood for him and YOU have forgiven him? How blasphemous would I be if I still held his sins against him?

If he is not in Christ, your Word teaches me that vengeance belongs to you alone. David was so good about not taking revenge on his own behalf but leaving it to you to repay. And you did. So with him, so with all of us who hope in Christ. If this man is not in Christ, you will take vengeance upon him for what he has done to me. You will put him to death forever in torment and cast him out of your presence. What could I add to that? Is this not enough to satisfy me? For me to demand more is outrageous. If I insist on something tangible in this life, then isn't that admitting that I don't really believe in hell? But I do believe in it and I believe that you are just and will not leave sins, any sins, unpunished. Vengeance is yours.

Help me to repent and turn from all those little ways my heart yearns for little expressions of vengeance, hatred and anger. Keep my heart from hating this man. Keep me from anger. Keep me from desiring any sort of vengeance against him.

Please grow me in my faith. Please help me to believe that you really HAVE forgiven me. Please remind me that even though I can't become a minister, it doesn't mean you haven't forgiven me of my sins. Remind me that you have spared me from something that would not have been best for me.

Remind me that I was desperately seeking to get to the airport on time to make my scheduled flight, and that the obstacles you put in my way to prevent me from getting there on time were not your cruelty, but your mercy - because that plane was destined to explode on takeoff.

Take me to Psalm 73 again and again and again. Remind me of the end of the story: that we will live forever in glory, and those who do not have faith in Christ will die forever in shame and misery. Remind me that I desperately wanted to run as fast as I could to hell, but that you have dragged me, kicking and screaming, to heaven.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And on earth, there is nothing I desire.

You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I am your servant, you are my God.

I claim the promises of your Word in faith because of what Christ has done for me, in the power of the Spirit.

Amen.